Keep Fighting
Jason Motte and Tom Hager
In partnership with Athletes For God
This sucks. I just lost the World Series.
That was the thought swimming in my mind as I watched Josh Hamilton's hit clear the fence in right field.
It was the top of the 10th inning in Game 6 of the World Series, and in one pitch it looked like I had ruined the whole season. 162 regular season games. 17 postseason games. 7 months of baseball. And now after Hamilton’s swing gave Texas a 9-7 lead, it seemed like we had put in all that work just to finish in second place.
Sometimes it can take a pitcher weeks or years to recover from a moment like that, but I had about five seconds to regather myself.
Let's go ahead and get these next two batters out, or it's going to be a lot uglier.
At that point we still had a game to play, and if I didn't bounce back from that moment, I was really going to make it tough for my teammates to tie the game in the bottom of the inning. I had thrown the previous pitch right in Hamilton's wheelhouse – low and inside – but you have to move on.
In many ways, it's like our relationship with God...no matter what you've done before, you've always got to try and turn things around.
I did get the next two guys out, but I should have known better than to think I had just lost the World Series. If I had learned anything over the last few years, it was that you never give up.
It's not often that you think you've found your soulmate on the first date. It's even more rare when both people can feel it, but that's what happened to me and my wife.
I'll never forget that first date, because the only reason it ended was that she had work that morning...in 30 minutes. We had stayed up until 5:30 a.m. talking on a street corner, and she had work at 6.
The funny thing was, when I dropped her off, it was at the same place I'd be playing that afternoon.
I was pitching for the Memphis Redbirds at the time, and she worked at the stadium. I never wanted to be the kind of player who would hit on the staff, but Caitlin was different. I finally worked up the courage to ask her out, and I thought at the time I missed my chance. Our team was on a road trip in Nashville when my birthday took place, and we didn't have a chance to celebrate at the time, so we were heading to downtown Memphis that night. I asked her if she'd like to come with my teammates, only to find out she had a wedding rehearsal that night.
I thought that was it. Then as fate would have it, Caitlin and her friends ended up at the same restaurant as me and my teammates. She came over to wish me a happy birthday, and I invited her to sit down. That conversation didn't end until the sun was almost up, and when we met up the next night after the wedding, the same exact thing happened.
If there was ever a proof that things happen for a reason, it might be the story of meeting my wife. Looking back now, it's amazing how many things had to fall in place just for me to meet her.
When I tried out for the freshman baseball team in high school, I was told I wasn't big enough or good enough to make the team. Shortly after that our family moved to New York so my dad could work construction, and even though I ended up making the team at my new school as a catcher, that looked to be as far as my career would take me. Local colleges like Seton Hall and Rutgers said I wasn't what they were looking for.
It was my high school coach who really jump-started my career. He told the coaching staff at Iona College to give me a look, and even though they told me they already had a catcher who was pretty good at hitting, I told them to just give me a shot.
I ended up starting there all three years at catcher.
I was lucky enough to get drafted in the 19th round by the Cardinals, but my hitting just never translated over to the minor leagues. I hit .175 in 2004 and .176 in 2005. That's not good, no matter what standard you look at, and so the Cardinals asked me to switch to pitcher. But my family had raised me up to believe in God, and I never resented Him for my early struggles. As it turned out, the switch to pitcher ended up putting me on the path to meet my wife. If I had attended a more recognizable school and been drafted just one spot higher by a different team, I wouldn't have been in Memphis to meet my wife. If I had crushed it at the plate with Single-A Peoria, I might not have been talking at that street corner with Caitlin.
But God always has a plan, and I just had to trust him.
When the Cardinals asked me to switch positions, I don't know if either of us would have thought within two years I'd be playing in the big leagues. When I started pitching all I had was just one pitch, a fastball, and yet two years later I was playing at legendary Busch Stadium.
Telling my wife I had made the major league roster was one of the best moments of my career. Opening day of the next season, however, was just the opposite.
When I look back at my career of nine years, I know I have my coaching staff and family to thank, but I really don't know where my career would have ended up if it hadn't been for Ryan Franklin.
Before I ever played in the World Series or led the league in saves, I was an impressionable 26-year-old trying to stay at the major league level. Ryan was one of those guys who gave me the confidence to do so.
As the 2009 season opener approached, the Cardinals had yet to name a closer. I had a good September of my rookie year in 2008 and had a great spring training, but the organization hadn't made an announcement as far as who their 9th inning guy would be. We got the answer when our team was up 3-0 against the Pittsburgh Pirates and they called me out of the bullpen.
All I had to do was get three outs and not give up three runs....I gave up four.
Everyone could have been mad at me, especially Ryan, because not only had I lost the game but I was the one taking up the coveted closing spot. Ryan was at the absolute peak of his career, and by the end of August that season he had converted 33 of his 35 save chances with a 1.05 ERA. Historically good. And yet instead of trying to seize on my failure that day, Ryan talked to me after the game.
That stunk pretty bad, he and the rest of the bullpen told me, but if you play this game long enough you're going to do this again. So keep your head up and keep going.
The advice worked, because I had a decent rest of the year, and the next season I cut my ERA in less than half to 2.24.
The encouragement from my teammates showed me what being a Christian athlete is all about. As it turned out, when I got Tommy John surgery in 2013, I had the opportunity to pay it forward myself. Trevor Rosenthal and Edward Mujica were a pair of incredible pitchers, and instead of being angry at them for taking my place, I decided to do for them what Ryan Franklin had done for me.
It was probably easier for me than other athletes in my position, because I couldn't even play. Although, if you asked God, that might have been my own doing. You see, I think God's got a funny sense of humor...At this point Caitlin and I had started a family and I wanted to spend more time with her and my daughter. I loved this little person so much and I didn't want to go on these road trips and be away from them. I think God heard my wish, and shortly afterwards I had to get Tommy John surgery to miss the whole year.
As it turned out, however, tearing my UCL was one of the best things that could have ever happened to me.
Baseball is what I did. It was never who I was.
My goal in life was to love God and other people, and I've always tried to use my platform for good. It just so happened that the 2013 injury forced me to focus more of my efforts off the field.
My wife and I decided to spend more time with the Jason Motte Foundation, with the goal of striking out childhood cancer. We met so many incredible kids that year, like a little boy named Brandt Ballenger and girl who went by the name Princess Ari. Even if I was able to get their minds off their cancer for five or ten minutes that day, it was worth it for me to go visit them.
It might sound hard to believe, but I had a lot of fun that year. Even though rehab is never easy, it's a lot easier when you're surrounded by incredible kids. It also helped put things into perspective....am I going to sit there and complain about having surgery when there's a kid getting chemotherapy and radiation?
I think one of the coolest parts was that just as the kids found inspiration from me, I found inspiration from them. I would give them an autographed ball they could put next to their hospital bed, and in turn they had bracelets with their name they would give to me. I still wear a bunch of them to this day. In fact, if you were to see the inside of my truck, you would see even more.
But here's the thing about childhood cancer: it doesn't stop spreading just because you have a positive attitude. On July 23, 2013, my buddy Brandt passed away.
I think for many people, this is proof that God doesn't exist. Why would a loving God put this 9-year-old boy on this Earth to suffer and die of cancer? But I think my whole life was evidence that I shouldn't question God's plan, because of all the hidden treasures behind my adversity. Even if Brandt was on this earth for 9 years, they were still 9 years worth living. I had just become a dad, and Brandt made me a better father. Princess Ari made me a better husband.
I remember at one point my wife asked me if I was doing okay. I hadn't had that moment of anger yet, of someone who was trying to fight my circumstances of not playing for a whole year, and she was concerned I was bottling it up.
"Are you going to go crazy at one point? If you do just let me know," she would say half-jokingly.
"I'm good," I would tell her, and thanks to people like Brant and Princess Ari, I really was.
With an improved perspective, I watched with joy as Edward Mujica became an All-Star in my absence. Trevor Rosenthal ended up taking over as the closer late in the year and was phenomenal with a 2.63 ERA. Those guys led the Cardinals all the way to a World Series appearance.
I didn't get to be on the field for that one, but it was the one two years earlier that I'll never forget. And if you were in Busch Stadium for Game 6, you probably won't either.
On August 25, 2011, our team had a players-only meeting.
At that point in the year, our record was 67-63, and we stood 10 games behind the Brewers in the NL Central and 10.5 games behind the Atlanta Braves for the Wild Card spot. Our postseason chances did not look good and we knew it.
Believe it or not, the meeting was not about making the playoffs or getting to the World Series. It was about having respect for our craft, and giving it everything we've got. In many ways, it was a similar approach these kids in the hospital would have. You keep fighting because ... why wouldn't you?
At that point we were playing bad baseball, and we just looked sloppy. It wasn't like we weren't giving it our all, but it just didn't look like us. Over the last five weeks of the season, we started to play like the St. Louis Cardinals people had come to expect. The thing is, a playoff berth was still out of our control, because Atlanta was playing their own games. Fortunately, there's a Bible verse that is meant to put the mind at ease.
"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself," Matthew 6:34 says. "Each day has enough trouble of its own."
In many ways, each pitch is a microcosm of that verse. Once the ball leaves my hand, it's literally and figuratively out of my control. All I can do as a pitcher is try and locate the spot with the right pitch selection and velocity, but after that point all I can do is watch the batter. There's no point in worrying about what the future holds.
I think that lack of worrying helped us as we tried to chase down Atlanta. We chose not to look at the standings, but just focused on ourselves. We swept Atlanta in September, and then slowly clawed our way back. By the time game 161 had finished, we were tied in the standings.
We put Chris Carpenter on the mound for the season finale, and he was absolutely shoving. It wasn't even fair. He pitched a two-hit shutout, and then we watched as the Phillies beat Atlanta in 11 innings. We were going to the playoffs!
It wasn't the last time Carpenter came through for us in the clutch. The NLDS against the Phillies went to a decisive Game 5, and this time he pitched a 3-hit shutout to send us to the NLCS. We held a 3-2 series lead against the Brewers and with a 12-6 lead they sent me out to close the series. I was fortunate enough to get the three outs, and now we were going to the World Series.
Unfortunately, all that seemed to do was set the stage for my letdown in the World Series. Or so I thought.
Just like we had done all year, we chose to keep fighting. In fact, the only reason I was even on the mound in the 10th inning was because we had fought and fought. We were down 7-5 in the bottom of the ninth inning before Albert Pujols doubled and Lance Berkman walked. Then with two outs, down to our last strike, David Freese hit a ball to right field. It was deep but looked catchable, and at the last second it sailed just past the glove of Nelson Cruz…David had just tripled to right to save our season. Tie game.
And then just like that, after Hamilton's home run in the top of the 10th, we were right back to another two-run deficit. But my teammates wouldn't quit. Daniel Descalso singled to right, then Jon Jay hit a bloop single to shallow left. We were back in business. Kyle Lohse bunted them over to second and third base, and then after Pujols intentionally walked to load the bases, Berkman stepped to the plate. A double play ball ends the season, while a hit ties the game.
He smacked a single right up the middle of the field to tie the game, and after a scoreless top of the 11th, David Freese crushed a shot deep to center field. The ball cleared the fence and landed in the grass to win the game 10-9. We were going to Game 7.
The pitcher for Game 7 would be....you guessed it...Chris Carpenter.
We all thought he would come out dealing again, but in the top of the first he gave up three hits and a walk as we trailed 2-0. But Game 7 was a repeat of everything we had learned over the whole year. Keep fighting.
Carpenter never let up a run for the rest of his six innings, and to no one's surprise Freese tied the game at 2-2 with a double in the bottom of the first. Allen Craig put us up 3-2 with a home run in the bottom of the third, and by the time Yadier Molina singled in another run in the bottom of the 7th, we were up 6-2.
The score was still the same in the top of the 9th when Tony LaRussa called for me to close out the game. The guy who gave up four runs on opening day in 2009 was now being called upon to win the World Series in 2011.
I'm usually locked in when I pitch, but as I walked out of the tunnel that night, I decided to take it in. This is really loud, I remember telling myself, as I looked out across a sea of red.
I remember we already had one out when a ground ball was hit to Daniel Descalso. When he picked it up and I saw the ball flying across the diamond, I remember how quiet it had gotten, and then when Pujols caught it at first it was just an explosion of noise. One more out to go.
The last batter was Daniel Murphy, and as he flew out to left field to Allen Craig, I remember looking at Yadi as he came running toward me. The team tackled me and I remember having the guys piling on top of me.
It was an amazing feeling, and something I'll never forget. But I don't know that it beats helping kids fight cancer. I don't know that God cares if I closed out the World Series. I do think He cares that I've tried to help those in need.
Roberto Clemente once said "Any time you have an opportunity to make a difference in this world and you don't, then you are wasting your time on Earth." I believe that God holds us to a similar standard, and we decided to put that quote on the back of our K Cancer shirts.
The mission isn't over yet, because childhood cancer still exists in the world, but I do know this...If those kids showed me anything, it's that you keep fighting.
If you'd like to purchase a K Cancer shirt to raise money for the Jason Motte Foundation, you can get them here